Selfish Dilemma

Confusion is a philosophy for arrival of an unbecoming; this is being human huddled in a corner. Somebody is watching, nonetheless I am injured, nobody can save me. My witness journeys elsewhere, leaving me to dampen my teeth; I do not wonder for wandering, I am the possession of disbelief.

Zoom is screeching growls in my geometrically uneven angle while I retort smirks of selfishness; his words represent my impudence. Sibling of an adorable snow pup faces me as I sigh for another existence; his blue eyes remind me of ice skating upon the reflection of a clear sky.

Somebody is angry with me for being what I am; my pupils cross to despise one another in between my head. Whoever they may be I understand distress to be frustration and regret.

Katarzyna enters through the hallway, I hear her snow boot steps; preparing myself for unintentional awkwardness, I open the door to see her wrapping a gift.

"I got you a cane for when you walk. It's got a.....well here....."

Stainless steel embossed skull head with full cranium wears a studded collar upon a carbon fiber layer of split tubing capped into a latch button release.

"What's inside of it?"

"The devil...."

"Just like us?"

"Ours is something else....."

"Come inside please....."

"I did not intend on staying."

"I want to give you something."

"Okay....."

Turtle heads bleached of color uplift coffins into mounds of arguments; they are widening a highway across the projects to build high rises and office buildings. One pairing of stack houses stands steadily alone with chest high grass for neighboring accompaniment. I am nonexistent visitation without an existing invitation at Mookie's house; the girl of a crazy boy's dreams is sitting on the couch. She does not know what lengths he would measure to be with her neither does his ruler or any architect planning to build walls.

"He's always riding his bike, hell the other day he just about busted himself all over the concrete, blood is probably still caked out there...."

Coney breaks a grievous shore for an island of no more; a sorrowful moan breathes from the depths of her lungs.

"He's one gifted motherfucker....."

"What do you mean?"

"He just got some scars that's all."

A wave skips over a sediment breach into a sigh of sweet relief.

"I like him....."

"I know you do....."

Mookie sheds tears silently into a blanket laying on top of a squeaking recliner; the mouse caught Coney's attention with his tail.

"What's wrong?"

Pit of the stomach finds a boy predicting a nightmare next to his twin.

"Do you think she liked it....."

"Yeah....."

"I don't know what I'm going to do without you guys....."

"I don't know what I'm going to do without you guys."

"We're screwed....."

"Yeah....."

Our building is a hum of neighbors packing empty milk crates with sentimental necessities. Outside You Know Who is planting a maple tree inside a circle he spent all night digging held inside a barrier of broken concrete graffiti; I look to him out of the window, he is disappointed with me.

"He don't know what he does, almost like he don't know where half of him goes!"

"I know how he feels."

"You like him that much?"

"Yes."

"Did you come here to see him?"

"I wanted to see you before it happens."

"You saying goodbye?"

"Not yet....."

"Zoom I don't know what the fuck is going to happen to us! I'm freaking out!"

"I know but we got to play it cool."

"There's no way.....I'll be freaking more because I won't know what the fuck happened!"

"I'm starting to lose it too."

Tex settles his forearm lengthwise on the counter, a sink nearby; he fills an empty glass with an unknown powder supplement.

"She sure wanted to touch that canteen bag."

He must be aware he is not talking to himself; he knows somebody is listening else silence would appease him.

"Damn she really wanted to touch that! I hope she gets a real nice one, good for feeling, hope she gets to feel it all she wants....."

A gush of water mixes into a hazy solution while his head vibrates serene laughter. Zen peers around an edge to excuse herself; a set of red lips adorn her neck. Neither notice the peculiar gulp or odd quietness; returning to a bench he sits with clasped fingers into a fist, hanging his head low to a window edge, in darkness he finds himself, he begins to speak.

"Hope she gets to touch it whenever she feels like she's wanting that. Damn I don't know what got into Vicki, can't be that bad. Hate for her to have to find out but she might have to so she knows. She's not all that skinny but sure is packed. Might need to loosen up. Probably thinks I need a stiffening. What's the big deal about Texas?"

"Nothing like New York...."

Diesel discusses detailed insomnia amongst visions with our neighbor next door; we listen through open shutters behind iron rod grills.

"Yeah they told us about those cow's that don't moo."

"That's not all!"

"Aw fuck....."

"They drive fucking gas guzzling clunking war conveyors and look at everybody in the eyes."

"They touch you too huh?"

"Yeah.....out of nowhere, just because....."

"That shit will make me nuts."

"It's hot as a fucking dryer there just like the ones at Sandy's....."

"All the time?"

"It just rains for no reason; the weather is all kinds of fucked."

"Aw fuck!"

"Every place is far away from where you need to go and where you need to be....."

"Aw......shit......."

"If those boys are right and we get separated......"

"We won't be able to find each other in all that shit."

"Right!"

Coney bites her lower lip; I am a fainting ghost without a bed to sleep.

"He's got some girlfriend he don't even know what he doing with!"

"A girlfriend..."

"Yeah a real girlfriend not some girl he hangs out with or what does he call that.....he calls it something when he's relaxing with peoples....."

"Kicking it."

"Yeah that's it! He don't do that with her. They be doing something that fucks with his head. He's always real tired after he sees her and looks a mess!"

"What is she like?"

"I know her name but I don't know how to say it so I ain't even going to try. I just call her Methuselah....."

"Why do you call her that?"

"She's a bare tree."

I am uncertain as to what that means; my focus is the girl of his dreams.

"What is the tree like?"

"Got the most prickly pine needles you ever be unlucky catching but sure is something to look at!"

"Interesting....."

"What interested you speaking with Ludwig?"

"He doesn't like to be called Ludwig."

"I wonder why..."

"I call him Beethoven."

"Hhhhmmm....."

"Particularly not much at all."

"You seem rather interested in what he was saying."

Know Who raps a hand spade on the door; a bag of soil thuds the floor.

"It's open....."

"I guess we won't see the tree grow."

"If we even remember it's there."

"I'm going to remember everything."

"How?"

"By going fucking crazy!"

"Yoda is right!"

Diesel relates You Know Who with a green robed figurine he witnessed in a store window; his reasoning belongs to aliens without space to wander.

"We will go fucking crazy then we will figure it out."

"I hope not."

"Sunny feels as though if we lose our cool we will suffer immensely."

"We will suffer anyways."

"Especially if we go to fucking Texas."

"What makes you believe we will go there indefinitely?"

"I do not understand why you worry Doki."

"Zee, this is New York; this is where we roam. I thought you were going to meet with Mookie?"

"She has company."

"Who?"

"They wouldn't say."

"Who is they?"

"The ladies from the shelter."

"Where are they?"

"Still there..."

"Sunny is worried about losing memory, losing each other, and being confused."

"I know."

Diesel is suspicious of Katarzyna; he looks over her slumping shoulders to see my face. A migraine headache consumes my forehead into wrinkles while You Know Who curses about Chester and Thaddeus.

"I don't want to talk about it anymore."

"What do you think he does with her?"

"I don't want to know. That's why I don't want to talk about it anymore."

"Whatever they do really bothers me."

"Bothers me too. Hey you was saying something about a guy you heard about?"

"From the wishing tree..."

"You left a note there?"

"No, somebody told me about a boy named Abel that answers their prayers."

"I heard about him too. I heard he was sick, got some kind of cancer."

"Leukemia....."

"What did he tell you?"

"He told Oompah about a man who is starting a business."

"What else....."

"I heard from Nobody Knows that he did time.....what is that?"

"You don't want to find out."

We need to meet with all of you soon. Time is running out.

Time is running out. We need to meet with all of you soon.

"Fuck! Do they got to leave the same note twice!"

You Know Who is wounded with chuckles on piles of a disassembled lounge sofa. Diesel examines the pair of stationaries with rounded reading glasses.

"It's a little different."

"Die Die they are the same damn pattern!"

"Yeah but together they make one ugly!"

"I do not want to see either of them."

"Especially soon....."

"I got to tell Sandy about this one."

Diesel is joy of cynicism walking out the building, You Know is desperation of imposing dilemma writing down a prognosis for our mysterious ailment, Zoom is hurrying our situation with rustling Sunday newspapers; I am left to ponder.

"I wonder what Sandy is all about."