Fan Fare

Night is passage into peripheral straining while I contemplate the surroundings I despise; every face and undesirable encounter poisons my thoughts. If once to get away then twice may be dismay. If I am alone thus is an open book; searching words is a fortunate exploration however the choice is a deliberate consequence. Which world matters not.

".....for fucks sake do something you......half naked god damn fool!"

"I suppose that's me again."

".......he looks so sweet. He wears his eyeglasses with a cup of brewing tea. I know he's real. I must be dreaming of one of those things again.....but it feels so different. I wonder if I will remember this.....I wish he would drink more water and soy milk or something of subsistence. He has such a difficult time using the restroom. The soil is tough and firm.....it doesn't want to move through the pipe because he's shitting metal chunks from a defense mechanism inside the wire ports.....every time one flies off he has to pass it's ring.....it's fucking tube thing. Some kind of valve screw..........other than that it's all the veggies he eats. I think it doesn't digest as well as he would like. He's not used to it. He's the baby bat. Too bad he's a big old fucking sack of fuck in my god damn chair."

"They think he's a bat?"

"He poops like a bat.....might as well be one. Surprised he doesn't fly away. He's in an awful mess some jerk left him. This jerk just left him inside a whole fuck he didn't even finish. Wait it's me. I'm the jerk......he's feeling stuck there. He's worried about his babes. One is quite a woman and she's sitting inside a prison while the other is quite a child and he's sitting in front of a screen being awful miserable thinking about cereal. He is quite the soy milk drinker. His concentration is on them and another one who is acting up to get rid of a grown up who is like an infestation which I completely relate with at the time however right now I am not there where I was whenever I was drifting that is until you came in to do whatever it was you were doing.....oh eating fried tofu sticks. Well he does not eat things like that. I don't think he would at all. He would eat baked tofu or something like that. He doesn't flavor for fried things or oil or even sugary snacks. He doesn't even want to eat and I think it hurts his stomach. But he does feel hungry and wants to walk and move about. He does get kind of unnerved when he doesn't eat. Too much drama has him walking away from everyone. He does not wish to participate. I kind of wonder what it's like to be like him; to eat like that and to be so.......different. He doesn't know I used to buy crackers, peanut butter, jellies, celery sticks, jams, rice cereal, soy milk, sometimes skim milk if I couldn't get the soy.......chocolates such as dark chocolates that had a tad bit of naughtiness and those energy bars he considers to be womanish...........sometimes cigarettes and beer.....mostly just used to save up to get me some weed. Had me a hard time keeping a job and a hard time getting a job. He got it worse because some company is after him......the whole reason they are in business is to taint some name he must use to get work. It's so stupid. They all suffer immensely while he cares not but damn nothing changes. Why bother him so much? But turns out everyone is running from them but he's the only one who doesn't play a role for a game. He won't wear a mask and hide. These people are really upset about it.....because they are going to have to go through what he goes through to get by.......before they just played along but now they all got to suffer together. They are not mad at him......he's not mad at them.....it's just not worth running it doesn't pay or work out. So he's there.....without anything really barely getting by which is what I did but somehow it didn't seem as difficult.....not because it wasn't the same it's because nobody gave me that much.......what is a good word for it?"

"Adversity."

"......that's it."

"Who is the adversary?"

".....fat people. But really not the ones there......they seem to like him just because he's not making fun of them unless they make fun of fat people then he looks at their mess......he wants them to know they got it right there. There where they poke at others. He doesn't really care either way......he does like to make cake. He's very cute. He's always thinking about his wife and how much he likes to be doing stuff with her like kissing and chasing.....and making love. I wonder where she's at because I want him pretty bad. I want to make him mine. I want him to be my.......I just want to stroke his banana a lot. He just wants to give her quivers. It's really a big boy too. Whenever he goes to bed when he's not really there or thinking much he kind of passes out and it comes out then he starts writhing about thinking he's in a lab or some sort and that people are prodding at him so he just kind of pulls it out his pants to breathe. It does breathe....it moves up and down like inhale to exhale.........sighs to go back inside his cubby cave. His bear hibernation. The uniform people came over while he was knocked out.....they unlocked the door to see if he was alive and it was there and it didn't really bother them and he wasn't doing much but having strange convulsions of bad experience. I wonder if those people were even awake or the people in the house seems to be that they come by often to do things but things are happening when they are awake. They keep coming over and talking to them while he leaves...........he's so angry and he's angry with a bunch of people who are quite aware they are hurting people and stealing their money. None of them care for the uniform intervention but somehow it does become personal between them. I wonder if he even knows he has a banana!"

"What is the banana again?"

".....your octopus arm."

"Oh."

"I guess he just figures whatever is down there is just something to get rid of used water and to just stay there to behave. Which I think is good but he doesn't. He really wants and needs to know what is in there. Those five white ducks really gave him a thought. They are very strange. How they group together and protest. He wonders why.......he torments this woman so much for trying to play with his mind. Some kind of automated voice machine....where she tries to use some kind of emotional voice against him. He plays it backwards to hear what she is really saying.....it sounds to him like whining and screaming from masturbation and fucked up shit. There is an eye watching everything and we can see through him since we are wired to him but he's just like her friend. She really doesn't use him. She can't even see him. They just kind of be sad together about everything. She doesn't really believe in anything at all!"

"Nothing at all huh?"

"Nothing at all."

"..........."

"Except for the body she understands is the world she finds herself. She more than believes in him and it's more than faith. It's just everything to her. She's done with us. But not her hand she holds.....she holds his hand forever and she's linked to her alien ancestors and alike....they think alike....they try maybe to fool us. He tries to explain things in specific terminology as if to diagram or outline the situations of why it is so hard for him to get by but it really just feels like people are haters and that they are assholes and full of shit and want to get at him. But when we think about it what he said was very alien like.....almost as if he is just saying it the way it is and when we think about it the way he said it that's when we understand how hard we made it for him and how difficult we made it for him by not thinking of our emotional aftermath. We just did whatever to get it over with without thinking of it in the long run as to eliminate our consequences we put it all on him. Then I figured out why the people were acting like that where he was at and why they treated him like that and why he was having such a difficult time and it was because of what we did to them.....it changed them however many ages down the line while he was sitting in the chamber of wires getting ready to join us....they were preparing him to remember everything to understand how he got there and what he must do to get rid of the damned machine."

"What exactly did you do?"

"........well when we were working we set up the shitty places to have low turn over rates and act like fucking family routines and we set up the good places to have high turn over rates and act professional like just to do it and go home."

"Why did you do that?"

"......because we wanted to see him again."

"How literally fucking stupid."

"I thought about him every moment of every hellish day and night. I thought about him all the god damn time even when I was stoned and drunk. I thought about him so much I didn't know what to do with myself except just keep him in my head to get to him."

".....what does he think about?"

"........trees........water......people who suffer with him.....his babies.....he needs to get a job to get by and pay some people who wonder why he even needs to pay them since he doesn't even use it.....but he still needs it just in case.....it should be free. He thinks about an art museum.....that thing is going nuts. There's something inside of it. It doesn't want anybody there and it doesn't want anybody to touch it. It's starting to realize what's going on inside of it and it's retaliating in the most subtle ways. She loves that place but leaves it because she doesn't want anybody to fuck it up. I'm getting yelled at by two frozen people.......but we can't talk or move like we are sleeping numb but sometimes she can hear us but.....not well enough to understand each word.......but we can hear her just fine. Great."

".....uh huh."

"Some guy is flipping out because she isn't there anymore. He's like rummaging through shit and putting some damn stupid people in jail like every chance he gets searching for her and crying about her and he doesn't even really know why. Those people were going to fuck her over really bad but she kept them at bay and taught them some weird thing because they are just droid digital people anyways......they are dying too. They are miserable dying. They just try to put up a front for her like the people in the house but they know it does not work. Then the police go and talk to them about her and what happened there. They tell them she did everything the customers wanted within business reason and they were going out of business so they just cut her back and they weren't even getting paid....just to try to trick her but she told them she didn't want to work there anymore and told them a bull shit. That she was going to barbecue something in the morning which she eventually does so it was not a real lie just an excuse to get away. She really didn't want to be there with them at all. She despised them and they were terrible. They had to pay people to come in and sometimes people would just come in to see her but they didn't want to go there anymore. So.....they need to go out of business. But they want to hold on....she really doesn't remember them at all. They wanted to try and get to know her or try to hold on but she doesn't even remember them except how much somebody wanted them to die and how she bids them a death soon for how much they torment him and other people and all this drama she feels but ignores. It's not for her......it's for some reason she does not want. It was no good for her at all. It was no good for anyone. Especially that lady she was terrible! They were all nasty and that was our fault too that she had to deal with them and go through that. All of that.....none of us wanted to look at it but we did. They were so god damn stupid. We made them like that....they were so god damn fucking stupid. They are while she is typing about something that makes sense to people who are sleep walking. It helps them wake up."

"....."

"........that was really bad. That lady yelled at her. She tried not to laugh at her. She looked so god damn stupid and she didn't even get paid for a lot of stuff. He doesn't get paid for a lot of the stuff he does. And it had everything to do with us. Too much to do with us it seems. Every time we treated a person like they were just some thing inside a scheme it hit him in the face and made him suffer."

"....."

"And I just loved him more and wanted him more while he wanted me less and just disappeared it seems as though he could just leave if he wanted but he isn't sure how and is worried about other people there who suffer."

"What are you thinking about while you are in there?"

"....just going oh shit looking at the repercussion. I don't think he is going to make it and oddly enough it's not because he is without us but because we made it the way we wanted it to get it over with.....not thinking that he would have to go through it. I thought I was going to die without him and I think he felt the same way but he somehow made it through and past it but I really didn't I was very sick and out of it but somehow not in that situation he is in. I don't get it but he does. This artist lady really got to him and paints him in every picture she just about makes and she really doesn't know why and he really doesn't know why but that guy does. She paints her to get back at some big fat lady too. They think it's funny.....otherwise she does it because it means something to the both of them. It looks just like her but some people alter it....she wants to know why....but some they cannot. It looks just like her. It is her. In another world and a place that is crazy but she deals with it and without a lot of clothing on which pleases her.....she doesn't mind that and she is absolutely taken aback at the things she saw such as her body with these things connected to it.....which she feels and understands and so much of it she knows as a place that is coming.....a place that is already there but hiding. She loves it and can't wait for it but that lady wants to go somewhere else to see something new cause she seen enough of that stuff. She adores her.....and worries for her. Anyways.....those were damn big and round.....she's really wanting those not to please her husband at all but just to be bouncing those around and having fun with them. She just wants the guy who owns the house to come back and stay there while she goes around without a name and an identity and starts over again. She's really looking forward to being new like being somebody who is not in a system....in a computer or inside a god damn record book. Somebody who is fresh and refreshed. She says she wants to be the moment and for people to treat her as such. She wants me to go back and be the way I was before I fucking figured out how to get out of there........"

"......why do you suppose that is?"

"To her it was like a bad dream; to her it's just a nightmare that passes into something else.....those really were all bad dreams and nightmares for those people that some kind of tormentor gave them and she wants them to know it will be okay. That everything will be fine......if she knows it they will too. She's still very distant because of some trail of deceit. I still want her out of my house so I can....well. I want them out really bad. It does look like my house except her stuff is there but I don't give a shit. My bong was in there and some boxes.....and a bunch of weird stuff laying around that I didn't need but she doesn't do that. It's all stuff she needs.....and her bikes are important. I got rid of the bed but she wants to burn it. She has a big suitcase too.....like a backpack. Everything in there looks like she can pick it up and leave. She's so sad but she just deals with it. All the animals want her to walk over there late at night but she can't because the police are so bad. They want her to see other stuff besides what she sees but they understand that people fuck with her a lot. But the police fuck with them too just not like they fuck with her and she has to go there when those lights are on or else she has to deal with them......some snake she took out there did them all a favor and like disappears into the rocks......he eats drug dealers. But he doesn't talk to anybody and goes under water. I didn't even know those animals were there or that there was that weird tree or that there were little bears or wild cats or all those snakes or anything like that but that's why she goes there or the trees being bent like a hand just grabbed them and did it to see what would happen.....or the moths......how she wanted him to fly and he flies like crazy. Or the owls......and that fucking crow. I don't even know if they were there.....but they are there with her. She's kind of going nuts but is aware just going nuts because everybody is out of it and she cooks this stuff for these people who think she knows them somehow but they are not sure how to communicate. She just wants them to eat oatmeal and grains and to get away from those people in the house enough to just mind their own. I just want him to be naked with his banana underneath that apron so I can.....they're listening....he explains to them we don't do it that often. They understand but I got wires all over me. I wonder if he knows they are sort of awake and talking while being wired but they can't move because this shit is fucked up. They are sort of sleep talking and paying attention.....he's got a really big banana. That boy is really big.....I don't know how it even well I don't know how his wife....she must be overwhelmed!"

"Who is his wife?"

".....a woman who wants his muffins."

".....muffins?"

"Super chocolate cocoa funk with granola cube chips."

"......you would eat that?"

"I would of eaten those blood droplet biscuits with the bloody organs he squeezed into the yellow soup too."

"....interesting...."

"I would of eaten all of it."

"...............why?"

"I don't know just cause I can't cook and he made it so it's probably really good. Except maybe that white lemonade tomato boiling bird......that was not my meat choice but they loved it and it was all kinds of moist and tender or something. It was pretty healthy actually since he cooked all the funk out of it but they know they can't get another dead bird like that one. It was not a real dead bird just some scientific clone fucker. Anyways so he's sitting in my chair and I want him out of the house but I don't want him to go I want him to be my teddy bear....and I want to do that thing he likes with him....he's so worried about it though....it really was quite a new thing for him and it looked so strange to me. It was really amazing actually. The way it did everything! But still more to go if he can make it. If they can too. It's just the beginning. I just want to feel on his banana. She must love doing that and can't keep her hands off it. It's got to take both hands to do that.....it's bigger than the plantain he wished for. It's really big. I saw it. Everybody else was just like whatever but I was really into it. He needs to see it and know it's there but he's just doing whatever. It looks so red when it comes out....like a blushing pink. I think because it's really blushing. Like shy maybe.....very shy. His banana bulbs were really milky pale.....looked like they were working really hard on.......his coconuts were full of.....I don't know if I like his wife at all."

"Why don't you like her?"

"....she gets his banana and his coconuts!"

"......okay."

".....!"

"What about it?"

"What do I look like to you?"

"....honestly?"

"Yeah."

"An earth person that looks a hell of a lot like an impish vampire."

".....well to her I look like a soft fluffy sweet guy."

".......she'll see things my way."

"How are you attracted to me then?"

"I don't know I just am!"

"You look like an orbital mass of curls and chocolate tones."

"What does she look like to you?"

"An alien girl having too much fun in my house."

"Are you attracted to her?"

"She's alright."

"Just alright?"

"Those people are looking for me at the grocery store and some places I used to go and drink..."

"Great."

"....I can't even believe they noticed me. I never talked. I just ordered stuff and maybe walked around to gather things.....but they noticed all the things I got and things I ate and stuff like that....."

"I do too."

".....well she doesn't eat any of those things. I couldn't eat with her. She knows what he eats and it sounds really good. She would make it for him while he's stroking her. I wonder if she knows how much he wants to do that.......that boy is big. He doesn't want to know where he gets it from. I don't want to know either. I just want to be there with it.....he just wants to leave that house and be okay."

"......what does he eat?"

"Colorful crunchy fresh plant originals and fish. He doesn't even want anything else. It's kind of strange.....he likes dried fruit but eats so little and peanut butter but....he tries not to eat too much of the peanut butter......he loses his appetite. He's not really doing much of anything because he can't. It's so strange. I ran about and went out to drive around and smoke and listen to music and eat out.....watch movies.....whatever. He doesn't do that. He walks far. To a store I used to thinking driving was far.....and he likes it. I used to listen to music really loud and smoke out my bong when nobody was around....they weren't there as much as they are with him there and I don't get it. They were gone most of the time. Even at night.....what the fuck!"

"....so I can't get a decent job and where I live at sucks....is that what you are saying? And you did that or had something to do with that? Is that what you are saying?"

"Yeah that's what I said....and I still don't give a fuck. It's all her fault anyways for.......for fucking.....for being so damn logical. I was pissed and wanted all those haters to die. She thinks about survival more than anything.....everybody there is like dying. Well nothing new.....I got to watch her suffer and know it's my fault. And she wants me less and less and wants to use her banana more and more.......but I don't think it's any for me. She misses her children but they are all rebellious except for him who is trying to find out where she is at.....and she is just pushing every button he's got making him sick. She's drinking alcohol, popping pills, having dirty rough fucks, and smoking something weird.......why I don't know but he knows while he is as depressed as Kevyn who is thinking about what the fuck is in his pants but he understands that it really doesn't mean shit there......she doesn't really think it's a big deal it seems. She suffers a lot from digital complexity and also these weird mental flickers left over from the tormentors who got the same......shouldn't of mingled too much I suppose. Everybody is pissed off! Nemie is fucking yelling at me from across board because I fucked up shit for her too and Louis. He is really pissed off.....this guy is so pissed off sitting there looking like a god damn demonic motherfucker....some dumb ass guy is sitting there knowing she is the beholder and he is just some fucking piece of god damn shit......his money is no good so why is he trying to pass it off. I never know why they do that.....he was going to ask her to pay for it but she didn't even want the guy there.....in fact this guy is just acting like he owns my house! She just minds her own but he's all fucked up. It's like he wants to say something to her but she really doesn't want to even be near him or look at him. He's like some kind of dumb thing walking around without a purpose to her.......like everybody sees him....and they said he was a pathological liar and some kind of molester..............she is not fending for him. He lied so much about her. But nobody believes it and understands he is all those lies. He just wants to hang her on a cross and she did that already......somebody ought to nail him straight to one....but I watch people gather weird objects she seems to be aware of six upside down crosses......she's really tired of putting up with my shit and I think she wants my plugs pulled to see if it will stop the misery. I got wires all over and it's running currents into the world she has to survive and if they are pulled it might be better for her and reverse everything. I don't think she cares either way anymore. She just thinks of me as some guy who fucked her over."

"How should I think of you at that moment?"

".....a peanut butter jelly sandwich?"

"Fuck you."

"......she fucks with their heads more than anybody. She's really sick from that kid.....the kid she saw at some shitty cake place. The kid didn't even really look at her....she knew the kid was hers.....but just had to leave her because it was not really her it was sort of some creepy projection but the kid could try and get there instead of fucking up all over this dumb shit. That agitates her a lot while she wants to sleep. Nobody wants to give her a job because she shuts down really stank people. I don't think she wants to work at those places anyways. I made them really bad too because I didn't want anybody else to get a job and it really fucks with her so I cry and wail in a dumb ass space ship while Louis tells me to shut the fuck up and she smiles. I don't think I ever cried so much in my life and she thinks I am a sissy who didn't even try. Everybody down there blames me by that damn name and says it's not her damn fault it's mine and now it has nothing to do with her but she still can't get a job cause none of those people are getting paid for shit. She is not sure how they get by.....neither am I or her alien parents. That's so strange.....especially them....the people in the house I left for ruins. She can't do what they do and all these people like seven hundred or some shit go through it with her. They are not sure either and they are not playing games. She can't find them. They are damn far away to be honest and she knows it. All these people died for her through some fat lady that is a ghost of her body and her mind she has to eliminate. Then these people go there every night and she doesn't even really notice or care....and they don't really effect anything but I would be thankful and freaking out but she is indifferent. Now that guy is pissed off because she is agitated with what he just did which agitated me most of all but she just looked at them like turds which was enough for the both of them to turn into turds inside some toilets are his face. A bunch of people shit his face and she thinks it is hilarious. A bunch of people try to stop her from making money which is what I did. I did that to them. I don't even know how but her parents understand that I tried to make her depend on me to miss me and it didn't work. Then they get all pissed and switch to want to do that to me. All those people want to stop me from making money and now she's able to pass and go but her number is fucked by some dumb ass criminal record that should of been gone by now but I fucked her on that one too by wanting everybody else to keep their criminal records so I could get a job. So all the selfish fucking shit I did fucked with my boy who is sitting there smiling about women being stupid."

"I like him for smiling like that."

".....I fucked him good for all those women and for.....whatever he did. I fucked him because I am not sure why. He looks pathetic. But......he forgets about me constantly there until he runs up against an obstacle I made for him. He thinks I am crazy. They keep searching his background records and the filing is all anal because I wanted it like that so I could keep a job and survive without him. I never thought I would see him do that. I really want to know why he wants me to deal with all that stuff again when I got out! It's over! He's there and I am up there and he doesn't even want me there really he doesn't because he's got so many other things going on besides that he doesn't even want me that much anymore he can't even think about that at all......he's just kind of......gone. People are calling the cops on me telling them that I fucked up all this shit and that they really should do something about it.......she had to take the blame for what I did......but she doesn't hold me solely responsible but understands that selfishness is at play or some kind of backfiring......but why.....I understand why they are going to blame me. I sort of....well I went through everything and made it like that. It really was my fault but he doesn't know that.....I didn't know it was well maybe I did know because maybe I wanted somebody else to go through what I went through but he already was and he is there and it's so much worse......and he looks hot to me. I want to unzip his pants and search his drawers. He doesn't really want anything right now. He just wants peace and to be able to pay for stuff. He's a guy. Did it have to get so big and good looking.....we should of done it more often.......why doesn't his wired body do what those people bid it to do? It's so docile and uses the digital fuck to be fucked.....I don't get it. Why doesn't the world he is in react to him like they did to me? He doesn't try to dominate or use his intelligence against people. As I say it in space he types it and I even wonder if it is space or something else. Whatever it is this thing is magnetically attracted to whatever is there....and moving. He isn't even really mad at me or bitching. He just kind of wants me to deal with it and get it over with. I'm not going to and I am bleeding and fucking farting and he is giggling and making funny faces but not at me.......I don't understand how he can laugh he said I remind him of a shy fan that women use to hide their faces."

"Well you are a fan."

"Well then he should be my katana."