Damned I Am

Danielle - the lion's food

A second glance is acceptable early retirement, unfortunately we never rest. I return plain clothed to a woman who calls herself my dinner. She holds a conceptual infringement for business; You Know Who informed Zoomy however we separated from scare. I meet with her three moments before eventual despair.

"You're telling me your friend will help me get it going?"

"Yes."

"Okay. What do you want?"

"A verbal promise."

"What's that?"

"Give it back to him."

"Give what back to him?"

"The business."

"I will."

Uncertain belief is how we live; I continue to grieve unbecoming dreams. I lay sideways, my right abdomen to back leans into a wall facing nothingness. Jullian warns me a woman comes to speak, he bids an act of confusion; the reminiscent face of a fallen brother sickens my bucket; his lesson of amorous intention is Katarzyna.

"I just figure people will buy everything cause it's a dollar."

"You are the Greenbacks person?"

"Yeah."

"Change the name."

"To what?"

"Dollar Tree."

"I'm.....uh......humph..."

"Sentimental?"

"I put the sign up myself."

"What else....."

"I do everything."

"Hire help."

"I don't want to fire anybody."

"Why would you do that?"

"If they don't do it right......"

"Show them how."

"I'll be too busy!"

"What is it that you want again?"

"How do I get it started?"

"Money."

"Where do I get that from?"

"A bank."

"Which one?"

"I know of one but you will need to speak with the president."

"Where is he?"

"Laying next to me."

"What's his name?"

"Jeremy."

"Yeah that's fine just leave us the fuck alone."

"I'll remember you for this!"

"You'll treat me like shit."

"Why would I do that?"

"People treat you like shit so you want to do it to somebody else."

"Wait til Dolly finds out about this Shorty! Wait a second.....is that you? Dolly what the hell is this shit? I must be having a nightmare from all that stuff....."

"I won't be able to do it without you."

"That's a lot of money; you will owe it indefinitely."

"What does that mean?"

"You are borrowing; you must eventually give it back."

"What if I don't want to?"

"The business will be bankrupt."

"What does that mean?"

"You will lose the store."

"Oh.....I can't put it under my name."

"Why?"

"I spent fifteen years in prison."

"So?"

"I'm a convicted felon; do you know what that's like?"

"Did you hurt people?"

"Drugs...."

"Drugs can mean a lot of different substances...."

"Cocaine punked marijuana."

"Oh....."

"Is it bad?"

"You don't do that anymore?"

"Never will again but I still like marijuana."

"Use my husband's name."

"Chad Lee?"

"How did you know?"

"I talk to him sometimes."

"About what?"

"You!"

"What about me?"

"Nothing...."

"What else....."

"What kind of stuff should I sell?"

"Necessities....."

"What's that?"

"Food, water, utensils, hygiene products, toiletries, cleansers, stationary, etc."

"That'll work?"

"Yes."

"Cause it's all a dollar!"

"Yes."

"How do I get it low enough to sell and pay for all the other stuff?"

"Minimize your salary......"

"Minimum wage?"

"Yes."

"Okay. Where do I get the goods?"

"Vendors....."

"Like who?"

"All those people who are fucking with us."

"Oh."

"Go talk to them about it. I got a fucking headache."

"Weed helps...."

"You do not."

"And what is that supposed to mean?"

"You will hurt my brain and my heart!"

"Why would I do that?"

"Revenge."

"You didn't do anything to me."

"Remember that."

"I can't help but remember; even if I can't remember anything else."

"I know you want to keep me inside a box just so you can pretend everything is alright."

"Yeah so what?"

"That's cruel and disgusting."

"That's life!"

"Life is what you make of it."

"Who said that?"

"My husband."

"Oh.....some things that happen ain't always my damn fault!"

"Such as....."

"I got to go my dolly is waiting for me."

"What is that?"

"I named her Sharla."

"Why?"

"I like the name."

"What does she look like?"

"You."

"Fucking hell! Jeremy!"

"Listen you crazy fat bitch! Get the fuck out of here! You got your fucking money! Fuck off! You don't know what the fuck she goes through getting her hair did and face painted.....fucking shit! She ain't a fucking doll! Get over it."

"Oh shit Jeremy."

"What Shorty?"

"I was yelling because your chain poked me."

"Ooops."

"Do you think I'm fat?"

"Jeremy what does that mean?"

"It's a mean way to say obese."

"I am uncertain what you look like."

"I'm wearing a mask."

"Wonderful."

"Do you think I'm fat or not?"

"I don't know. I can only say when I am awake."

"How will I know when you're awake?"

"I am awake right now."

"......I don't believe you."

"Whatever....."

"Do you think I'm stupid?"

"No."

"I think you're a fucking moron."

"Jeremy please....."

"I don't want you to go anywhere."

"What?"

"I got a plan."

"Whatever......"

"It won't work but I'll fuck with you!"

"Why?"

"To see how strong you are....."

"Why?"

"So I can learn how to be strong."

"You can't learn how to be strong."

"Oh...."

"......"

"Bitch."

"Jeremy....."

"She's a fucking bitch!"

"So am I."

"You're not a real one. You just play around."

"You don't think I'm a bitch like he does?"

"Everybody can be a bitch."

"That's true.....going to jail really fucked me."

"Maybe you deserved that shit!"

"Jeremy....!"

"Fucking bitch."

"Jeremy....."

"Is he your pal?"

"Why?"

"I like him."

"I don't think that's a good thing."

"I can't believe I trusted her."

"You'll figure it out though."

"Figure what out?"

"My play house."

"This is not a game."

"I wish it was."

"Why?"

"So's I can win."

"There are no losers or winners....."

"My pop used to call me a failure and tell me I would never amount to anything."

"What is a pop....?"

"Some guy who touches you a lot."

"What??!"

"Touch you where Dolly?"

"In between your legs.....and stuff......"

"Where is he now?"

"I hit him over the head with a hammer......you think I can sell those at the Dollar.....what is it again?"

"Dollar Tree."

"Oh yeah.....what about Dollar General or....99 cent store?"

"What about the woman character?"

"Bitch."

"What did she do?"

"Laugh and read the Bible, she tossed me around and told me I was possessed."

"What happened to her?"

"I flushed her down the toilet."

"How?"

"I ate her!"

"Okay...."

"I'm going to throw up....."

"You want me to know what it's like to be you huh?"

"Yeah I do."

"You will never know what it is like to be me."

"I'll feel your emotions."

"How?"

"I'm sensitive."

"Not enough."

"I'm going to speak with your boyfriend."

"He's my husband."

"That too."

"About what?"

"About you....and all this...."

"What else do you need to know?"

"If I can trust you."

"With what?"

"My soul."

"You don't have one! You're just a fucking ugly dike bitch."

"Do you believe in god....and stuff?"

"Why do you ask?"

"I don't understand why they made him up."

"Then you don't believe in him."

"I pray."

"To whom?"

"Talking to myself I suppose. Hey...so...uh...would you come and work for me.......what's his name?"

"You don't remember him?"

"They gave me some kind of pill."

"Fucking shit."

"Bad??"

"Yes."

"I don't ever want to see you again Dolly; you betrayed me."

"You'll see me one way or another."

"Tell my husband I miss him."

"You're going to miss him a lot more!"

"What?"

"I'm sending all them away."

"Whatever....."

"You don't believe me?"

"Whatever....."

"I know where they're going too....."

"Whatever....."

"You don't care?"

"I care too much. You don't care at all."

"I already sent away your mother."

"What?"

"The lady.....you know.....she gave birth to you."

"Lucidity?'

"That's her name?"

"Yes."

"What does that mean?"

"Pure vision."

"You look just like her."

"......"

"I sent her to a place I call Austin."

"What's that?"

"Nothing. Why you crying?"

"You don't care about anyone or anything....."

"I used to cry all the time but nobody gave a shit."

"Why don't you just kill me?"

"I don't want you to ever die."

"Then why are you torturing me?"

"I need to shit."

"Is that why?"

"Go the fuck away bitch!!"

"Do you know why I'm so sick feeling?"

"Yes."

"Cause you're a bitch."

"Tell me."

"No...."

"Why?"

"Because you don't know why I am crying."

"You're crying a lot."

Jeremy punched her sixteen rounds in addition to four kicks while my tears puddle bed sheets. I desire suicide however do not wish to join those who never cross over. All I can do is write. I miss my husband terribly; I refuse to live without him, I shall not live without him, I cannot live without him, he is my sustenance. Although she may believe all of this reduces our self I will be gone soon and so will all of you.

"Jeremy."

"I kicked her fucking ass!"

"Is she injured?"

"I think she's dead."

"Is she breathing?"

"I'm going to stomp on her head to make sure."

"Let her live."

"Why?"

"I don't want you to feel guilty."

"There is no way in hell I would feel guilty about her ass being fucking dead."

"Do you know what just happened to you Miss?"

"Mrs....."

"Mrs. what?"

"Nothing."

"Do you?"

"You just hit me didn't you?"

"Fucking shit. Jeremy....."

"I''ll get you back!"

"Is that all you ever think about?"

"What else do I have to think about?"

"The business you want to start."

"That's true."

"You're crying."

"I'm hurt."

"Take a bath and you will feel better."

"Fucking shit! It's just a bunch of bruises and scratches."

"My back feels kind of broken."

"He didn't break anything."

"How do you know?"

"I didn't hear anything break."

"I tried, I'm feeling sick and those....needles....."

Jeremy lays on the floor cursing through breath and biting lips; he speaks of a future we both understand to be nightmares and delusional realms.

"I want your husband to see me right now."

"Why?"

"So he knows what you did!"

"He knows I would never do that."

"How?"

"You couldn't take a beating from me."

"Why? You're just like me!"

"Not exactly......"

"Hunh.....how are you different?"

"You don't care about anyone or anything."

"How did I get all banged up?"

"You angered somebody."

"Is that what I did to the bitch and pop?"

"I wasn't there to witness but from your presence I seriously doubt it."

"Why weren't you there?"

"What?"

"I told them you were going to come......you never did!"

"I didn't know."

"What were you doing?"

"When did it happen?"

"Remember when there was that big blast in the sky? That big red and purple thing?"

"Yes...."

"Yeah.....so...........??"

"Our children were arriving."

"What about that silver flash that flew all over everywhere?"

"We were caught inside a burning village."

"How about when they said people were getting that weird disease?"

"The water....."

"What about it?"

"......"

"You never came."

"I didn't know."

"What if nobody comes to rescue you?"

"I will sob bloody hell while suffering."

"That's what I did."

"How did you get out?"

"I got rid of them."

"Obviously...."

"I ran away with some guys I met."

"Then what happened?"

"I'm going to go take a bath now....."

"Why did you smoke cocaine laced marijuana?'

"I never said I smoked it! I just watched it for my.....well I guess he wasn't after all....hhmmm..."

"What happened to him?"

"I don't know."

"Why are you doing to this to me?"

"Teach you a lesson."

"Is that what they did to you?"

"?!?"

"Then why do that to me?"

"It's all your fault.....that's why."

"How?"

"You weren't there!"

"I can't be everywhere."

"Well.....you should be!"

Jeremy coughs spurting nausea; distinct odor humidifies his nasal cavities.

"What the fuck is that god damn smell....?"

"I used the bathroom in my underwear."

"Why?"

"That's what happens when I think about....."

"What?"

"I'm going to talk to Chad now."

"Can you change....."

She leaves abruptly with dollops of onion crustaceans frothing rectangular concrete polished slabs of granite veneer.

"I will tell you a few things about her and the way she will act."

David always jotted notes from observation; he uses a series of perforated notebook pads.

"For one, she will act as though she is obliviously kind and imperative; I parallel this behavior to dictators and tyrants."

"What else?"

"She will corner you into submission...when you do not she will act as though nothing happened."

"Wonderful."

"She will continue on as if she never met you."

"I'm fucked."

"She will eventually worsen in condition and disappear."

"......"

"I did notice something peculiar."

"What is that?"

"She desperately tries to correct every little thing."

"Like.......?"

"Misplaced objects.....organization of certain items....."

"She wants to open a store."

"That must be it. She never seems to get it right."

"Hhhmmm....."

"She gets very frustrated."

"That's everybody."

"Hers is different; she needs to get it right."

"Is that her agenda?"

"Yes."

"I sincerely wish her the best...."

"She says sorry a lot."

"I shall not forgive her."

"Nobody will."

"Whom does she apologize?"

"Everybody."

"Does no good...."

"I know."

"Resolution is the only way home."

"Where is home?"

"Peace and quiet."