So Tired

She knows what I do not know; how do I get her to let me in on the show?

Am I a glitch, lost in a system, trapped in a code, some rare legend of bad technology?

We share a quality in between our tubes, we share the nightmare, we share the dream, somehow I am here, somehow he is there, somehow you are watching, somehow you are not surprised, somehow we are infatuated with you, somehow you adore us, somehow we adore you.

I am confused; I am not confused. You are lost with me; you are found with me.

I cannot remember......

I am in love, I am in hate, I am in regret, I am a mistake, I am experience, I am inexperience, I am trust, I am distrust, I am worry, I am disregard, I am here......I think I am here.

I am really tired......

Now I feel we are always together; somehow I feel the same on the opposite side of the spectrum, physically I suffer. Nobody to touch for reality sake which literally drives me insane; somehow I feel them to know I am them. Is this a test? Am I passing? Am I failing? Do we get the grade soon? Neither of us care for fruitless methods of education.

I think of you....

You think of me....

You must desire children, intimacy, freedom, space; you must desire what I desire.

Your size does not matter; my size does not matter. Somehow our size matters....

I want her so badly, she is the firm physical self; I am the lost reality of the body. She wants me badly, she is a lost mental reality; I am aware of the falsification.

How confusing....

My heart belongs to beach sand from Sea of Japan; she is in a picture. Am I a picture; are we pictures? Damn I really want to meet her....I got it for her. I got the thing for her, I got the hots for her, I got the cool vibe for her, no in between, she does it for me, no other for me, I cannot miss, I cannot desire, I can no longer dream, I am all up in this thing, I am gone....

Where could she be? She must suffer like me, she must be feeling the thing, she might remember me, she might think I am dream, damn the tears I dream, damn the fear I am, damn myself, damn the man!

I want to know you are there.

You want to know I am here.

Gratitude is never enough, awareness is never touch, spoken words only say so much, understanding is just a hunch.

I am not disappointed with what you do; I am disappointed in our selves.

These people I see with this sudden artistry, with creative sources beyond me, beyond us, beyond what we did......could this be you? It's the beautiful which arises from the hideous, a relief for me, you do not hide as we hid, do you really look like that? This brings tears.....a disguise for so many things, I am no longer wearing a mask, I am instead many of a face I cannot myself recognize yet somehow I am one person searching for a dead woman, searching for a dead man. You must wonder the same of me. Do you actually read this or is this a dream?

We are lost in other selves we play; how did this come to be how we survive?

How am I recalling all of this without knowing why? How do I not know if I write this; how do you know I do? How do I know I write this? How do you know I do not?

How baffling I am for myself to behold.