The Bachelor's Bachelorette

His gallop summons knights to accompany a web weaved by garden spiders trapping the thoughtless gardener.

The lance is a ceremonial piece never pointed at the end for fear of stabbing bystanders yet I watch him pull aside his gravestone steed to sharpen the cone against a graphite stone sprayed with holy water scooped from a village chapel. Well greased cash register drawer slide is the ring of his formulating weapon. Tears fall from anguished blue then chocolate. I approach him wearing tied linen trousers and a shirt popularly, infamously, evilly named the wife beater.

"Who goes by me dies by me!"

Tis sharp at the ball of my thinly covered neck. Curls of bloody hell curdle around my cheeks covering my right eye as the left slivers into a reptile; my right suddenly blinded by his creeping paranoia.

"Better to die by you than anyone."

"Who are you?"

"I'm a peasant searching for an apple."

"There are no apple trees here but you may borrow mine if you return with another."

Pure silver heavier than a log carried by three hefty men stares into my flesh as I speak; Adam shivers the cool point.

"Borrowing apples must be a new trade."

His lips quirk into a twist; might be a smile but appears slightly crooked.

"Did you notice the maiden of that house at the plateau edge."

"Why in all bloody hell would she situate herself on a god damn edge?"

"You should find out."

An apple lands inside my palm as I notice there is no man seated upon a rock. Nimbus the mighty horse, girth of a Roman Rhinoceros, stomps a nay; she wishes for me to ride with her playmate.

"Will.....is that you?"

"Yes......."

"Eat the Macintosh and climb on the loop....."

"I don't desire to eat anymore."

This apple is refreshment for sharp teeth of a decorated stallion; her face adorns chain mail and jewels. She is a popular lady amongst farms and fields; many paintings depict her stunning beauty of tearful blue eyes sleeping underneath a wild mane of limestone dust.

"Where are we going?"

"To the woman's house you spoke of since you insist to introduce me."

"I do not personally know of her! How can we just go to her doorstep as strangers especially men?"

"That is why you do it for me!"

His laugh is a quiet whirlwind of Gobi sand scraping the forbidden spectator.

Trail of crying smog is without steps; she turns a merry drop, I am hurled onto the grass. She carries him behind a group of trees to watch the fool who fell off a horse.

"What brings you here Will?"

A pleasant sight for me is a woman without a dagger at my forehead upon my willful presence.

"I am here to propose an indecent proposal!"

"I see now why they call you Will."

"You are certainly a witty one..."

"I do have a dagger you know...."

"Yes......I am aware of that; every woman in the local township has a dagger. How is yours special?"

She exposes a waisted suede pouch; a rhinestone studded design of an erect member.

"Must you be so.........gitty about human nature."

"Sorry Madam you have a dick on a knife pouch...."

"Why is it you are rolling about my front lawn?"

"Oh yes......"

As I attempt to remove stray grass blades from my ears and dust off soil granules a distant set of bushes giggle.

"Shall we explore Will?"

"Yes......you must be a Garnet."

"My favorite jewel....."

"Then to me you are Garnet and I am your local peasant of Will."

She leads a sprinting flow of earthen tone scarf leaflets wrapping a tunic. My nimble rough digits part branches ruffling berries and greenery into a quarrel; we see a fair lad underneath a fair woman.

"Don't tell me you came for this man!"

"I won't then......"

"Will tell him to leave and you shall spend the night here. I do not think he is a good influence. I prefer you stay to rest and tomorrow afternoon you can be on your way. I realize you walked to follow him; you do realize he is a knight of the court? You are a knight of the people. He is not our kind. You stay with me and surely your girl must be worried about you to be wondering about like this! You know she is my confidant; we speak of you as a stray cat without a bed."

"I maybe a stray cat but I desire her to be my bed."

A worried frown arches upward to acknowledge a simple phrase for my simple mind to grasp.

"She desires the same."

"I ask him to leave now. Please let us talk amongst our selves as gentility is a jewel of the house."

Clunking half armored man stands to look into my eyes expectedly, as I look to my side he sheds a tear.

"Should I apologize to her for my behavior?"

I cannot answer; a maiden adjusts her sandals, comb grappled between her fingers. His eyes fixate a sundown window; I wilt to see a Garnet without a necklace.

"Bring her a necklace for a Jewel."

He snatches a chain attached to his lance with the bravery of a caught man. A twist loops romantic silver which I accept from the naked armored knight.

"I am an inveterate Bachelor."

A wooden latch open shutters.

"Will did you ask him to leave?"

Before I can reach for a handkerchief sewn by a gypsy singer a parade of muscled legs churns a thick fog; a young woman stares at me.

"What was his name anyways?"

"Lancelot...."

"Why do you call him that?"

"He likes his lance a lot."